What happened to all that energy?

    My mother often tells stories of when I was in her womb.  She likes to let me know that I never stopped moving.  My grandmother didn't believe her so one night they sat down to watch a movie on tv and Grammie had her hand on my mom's belly the entire movie.  I apparently didn't stop even once.  I still don't stop for long....unless I want to fall asleep. 

    If I stop moving, my eyes start to close and within minutes I am sleeping. Reading has always been a struggle because to read a good book one must sit still and pay attention to the words on the page. It can get very boring. I usually fall asleep. 

    Movies are a bit different as there is usually lots of things to look at while the story line is progressing. Unfortunately, most things I want to read don't come in movie format. I have read books. I've then watched the movies. I know there is much more content in a book than a movie but if the movie is done well, I seem to assimilate enough from the movie and most people don't realize I haven't read the book first. 

    I've gotten lots of comments from people that they thought I was well read. I could probably count the books I've read on both hands.  It's sad, really. Once people find out I don't read much, all of a sudden I seem to have lost their respect. As if reading is the only way one can become intelligent, wise or knowledgeable. 

    For the last few years, ok most of my life, I've spent so much of my energy in pursuit of finding acceptance from others. At this point in my life I have become tired of my insecurity. I want to find comfort in who I am, not need others to approve of me so I can feel confidence. 

    That energy I have spent on my need of acceptance has not gone away. It's just been locked up within me where it is destroying me from the inside out. 

    The harder I try to cater to others, the faster my locked self is filled with unusable energy. As I learn who I am, I am slowly releasing that pent up energy. Unfortunately, that does mean that sometimes I am not very nice to be around. :(  Sometimes I wish I could get away from myself. 

    But if I was to learn all at once, the energy released would either kill my body or destroy any chance of me being sane as it finds its way out. What would be left would be a shell of me and I truly would be useless.