What happened to all that energy?

    My mother often tells stories of when I was in her womb.  She likes to let me know that I never stopped moving.  My grandmother didn't believe her so one night they sat down to watch a movie on tv and Grammie had her hand on my mom's belly the entire movie.  I apparently didn't stop even once.  I still don't stop for long....unless I want to fall asleep. 

    If I stop moving, my eyes start to close and within minutes I am sleeping. Reading has always been a struggle because to read a good book one must sit still and pay attention to the words on the page. It can get very boring. I usually fall asleep. 

    Movies are a bit different as there is usually lots of things to look at while the story line is progressing. Unfortunately, most things I want to read don't come in movie format. I have read books. I've then watched the movies. I know there is much more content in a book than a movie but if the movie is done well, I seem to assimilate enough from the movie and most people don't realize I haven't read the book first. 

    I've gotten lots of comments from people that they thought I was well read. I could probably count the books I've read on both hands.  It's sad, really. Once people find out I don't read much, all of a sudden I seem to have lost their respect. As if reading is the only way one can become intelligent, wise or knowledgeable. 

    For the last few years, ok most of my life, I've spent so much of my energy in pursuit of finding acceptance from others. At this point in my life I have become tired of my insecurity. I want to find comfort in who I am, not need others to approve of me so I can feel confidence. 

    That energy I have spent on my need of acceptance has not gone away. It's just been locked up within me where it is destroying me from the inside out. 

    The harder I try to cater to others, the faster my locked self is filled with unusable energy. As I learn who I am, I am slowly releasing that pent up energy. Unfortunately, that does mean that sometimes I am not very nice to be around. :(  Sometimes I wish I could get away from myself. 

    But if I was to learn all at once, the energy released would either kill my body or destroy any chance of me being sane as it finds its way out. What would be left would be a shell of me and I truly would be useless.

Finding Peace in Your Own Auchwitz

    In WWII many people were bombarded with unending atrocities.  One of the many times in history that we think of as a horrendous event.  Sometimes we have that same problem today(a horrendous event happens to us as an individual) but it's not as obvious to others.  It can come from the choices of others in the form of physical, sexual, emotional or verbal abuse.  It can also come from our own minds much the same way.

    Despite WWII's unnerving circumstances, some people learned to allow these horrific events to "pass through them," if you will.  Oh to learn how to do that with the lesser difficulties most of us have in our day....which can seem just as great to us personally.  Some of us have events in our lives that would curl the average person's hair.  Others have events that only seem to be big to us and everyone else tells us we need to "get over it."  

    Do we only laugh at another's difficult circumstances if we ourselves are "above such petty problems?"  Or do those who are above succumbing to those stresses find a loving and kind word, at just the right time to those of us struggling with self pity and hopelessness?  

    Someone willing to live such a higher calling is hard to find.  We would be wise to listen to their counsel.  You will know them because they won't use words that make you feel like you are petty and small because your circumstances overwhelm you.  They comfort and love without judgment. Being sad with you doesn't bring them down to your distress.  They are no respecter of persons(meaning they don't love one person more than another or feel more pity for one problem over another).  They respect everyone with similar kindness and their love for you is undeniable when you are in their presence....no matter what you've done.  They are closer to God than the rest of us.  I've met two of them in my lifetime.

Zax Effect

    So many debates in our political system. Too many stuck points when one side says, "you must compromise because I won't!" What kind of system would we have if we all forced our views? 

    We potentially have a system in place, albeit I feel it has been compromised way too much, that allows for us to put into place laws for or against certain ideals. It's really sad when we are so ignorant of our own rights that we feel we have to bash someone else's beliefs. 

    I understand that the Constitution had some questionable beginnings(being pushed at a time when the country was distracted with war, for example) but I do feel it was a divine document. I truly believe this. It was the most incredibly fair and just governmental document of its time in its protection of most individuals. Once the amendments(well most of them) were added it finally became fair for all people, not just most. Now, whether we as humans make this reality happen is another topic completely.

    For myself, I wanted a place I could voice what I felt freely. I find I am still worried about being judged about my feelings. Not sure why I should care but I do for some reason. At what age do I get to the "I don't care what people think because I've seen it all" stage? But then again, I'm not sure I want to live that long.

    Ok, so the web address is "intelligent reality bites" because just "reality bites" was not available.  If what I say is not intelligent then just chock it up to "I'm still learning."

Solvents

    I find it so interesting....and sometimes annoying that, as humans, we like to solve other peoples problems that we are completely incompetent in solving for ourselves! We can almost be assured a "solution" is forthcoming when we voice any problem out loud to a friend. I would like a friend that listens and asks questions to help lead me to my own solution. 

    This, while somehow guiding me to come up with the solution all by myself. So much more self confidence achieved for those of us lacking in that particular quality! I would really like to be a friend like that, even though I've recognized few to no examples of that kind of listening. I wonder if it is possible to learn to listen to others like that, especially for others that are also devoid of self confidence. It seems like it would be so gratifying to see someone gain their own self-confidence in an area that had perplexed them just minutes ago.

    The biggest obstacle in helping someone else, I would think, is pride. Pride gets in the way of everything and yet our society reveres pride, confusing it with confidence. Most people don't seem to know the difference between pride and confidence. I feel they are nothing alike. I mean, why do we reach for a word like pride, that can be defined as pleasure, joy, self-esteem, and dignity but can also be defined as arrogance, self-importance, or vanity. 

    The word confidence by itself, on the other hand, is defined as trust, self-assurance and belief in someone or something. There is no negative side to confidence because as soon as one feels over confident they are falling into the negative pride category.

    Pride and confidence seem very opposite to me. When we can get over our negative pride, we learn how to hear and see value in someone else's opinions while still not feeling forced to follow through, just because something was suggested. It can be a balancing act of the most difficult kind!

Finding safety!

Alright, I have wanted to start a blog for a very long time but being told I shouldn't enjoy writing, I have put it off for way too long.  This past year has uncovered some things I would "put in my blog".....if I had one.  I first decided to make a place to put my thoughts about how I think "life should be, but isn't."  Then I thought of writing all my rants that I am not allowed to say to "stupid people" because it would be rude.  Next, and most recently(because I really am trying to be more positive than my upbringing), I thought, "I know! I will make a blog about bits of reality that I sometimes feel I am the only one to know.  Obviously that isn't true but when no one seems to notice something obvious, repeatedly, it can seem that way.  Of course I will not mention the times I am making my own stupid mistakes..... repeatedly! That's not what this blog is about.
I fully plan on learning as I go!  I also plan on overcoming my fears of writing that didn't use to be there until I was told by someone I admired that I didn't know how to write, "correctly"  because they are much better with words.  I no longer want to care because I actually have something to say and if I don't say it right for someone else, then so be it!  I may just say it right for someone!

So, Reality Bites could be taken as, "life is hard" or reality being recognized one bite at a time.  I am aiming for the latter.  As I try not to write about my pet peeves, though those may come out on occasion, heck, maybe every time but... No, I am fully planning on focusing on truths that exist for everyone and not only my opinions.
Awww, who am I kidding?  It will probably be all my opinions....at least to people who don't realize I know everything. :P

Anyway, I have a goal, a direction and a desire and I am ready to see where it guides me.