When my mother died, my sister cleaned a walking path before I even got there. Being two days travel and being somewhat estranged from her, I did not visit much...clearly. I am unsure what I could have done because any cleaning I had done when I visited in previous years was refilled, sometimes to an even greater height. I learned, eventually, not to clean for her but to try to simply spend time with her. That was over 20 years ago.
As I was looking over my to-do list for today, I tried not to feel overwhelmed with all the activities on my plate. As I looked up, noticing my messy office, (the one I've been telling myself for the last few months I was going to declutter) my mother's house came to mind. "I'm not a hoarder!" I have been telling myself. And inside the definition of hoarder (a person who compulsively accumulates, saves, and hides large amounts of items--resulting in significant clutter that impairs their living spaces, safety and daily life.), I'm not...or so I thought.
Maybe my living space is not at hoarder level but my mind is cluttered with "large amounts" of items resulting in significant emotional and mental impairment of my daily life. Never mind the safety of how I think about myself and others.
Fear and anger have always been my go tos when it came to my "reactions." I have learned, through much effort and practice, how to react less and respond more. It became clear to me today how many thoughts I have stuffed into my noggin! Am I really that idiot I tell myself I am when I make a mistake? Do I really have less worth because I failed a test? How useless am I if I can't compete in a game naturally, being unable to lose with grace? Why am I holding on to these falsities after I've seemingly learned they aren't true? Am I saving them for later?
So today, on my "day off", I am going through my office. No work, no plans, no effort other than to just make one of three decisions: Is it trash? Is it something to give to charity? Is it something I WANT to keep long term? Tomorrow I will START doing that same thing with my mind clutter.
