A Different Idea of Ego Structure

Note; this is my own viewpoint of ego, not the accepted view of what ego means based from Freud's teachings.

“Ego is self and by itself is neutral. Our agency, our ability to make choices, directs our ego one way or the other with every choice we make.”

I see pride as a better interpretation of how others tend to speak of ego. Yet, as fundamentally neutral I see it going either way...positive or negative. 

Negative being: destructive, judgemental, betrayal, selfishly detrimental to others, etc

Positive being: empowering, unconditionally loving, caring, humbly confident, safely vulnerable, serving that uplifts all involved (including self), unreciprocated charity, etc.

There are so many ways to guide our ego but one way builds strong cultures and the other creates wars. Don't get me wrong, we need both sides of ego to some extent. How would we know about the one without the other? 

When we make choices based on our own needs, it is often said to be ego based, as if our needs are always based in selfishness to the detriment of others. When we serve or help it is often said we do it to feel better about ourselves. No wonder we try to avoid our ego, there is no way to find balance according to society. We actually need to choose both positive and negative actions depending on our circumstances.

However, it isn't an even swap. Positive and negative don't work equally like in the Yin/Yang symbol. That is a beautiful way to show how we need to include both in order to balance our lives. However, to truly balance, we humans actually need more positive than negative.

Funny how that works.

Mother's Day post...

 What someone else posted:

5 years old - Mom, I love you.

12 years old - Mom, I can't stand you.

16 years old - My mother is so annoying.

18 years old - I am leaving this house.

25 years old - Mom, you were right.

30 years old - I want to go to my mom's house.

50 years old - I don't want to lose my mother.

70 years old - I would give up everything to have my mom here with me.

My experience:

5 years old - Mom, I love you.

12 years old - Mom, But I really do love you.

16 years old - You're kicking me out? Do you really love me?

18 years old - You're leaving the country? But...I've been told my whole life I can't live without being told what to do.

25 years old - I will have to figure out this loving parent thing for my daughter's sake.

30 years old - Mom, I'm simply trying to "re"connect.

50 years old - Narcissistic Personality Disorder? My life makes so much sense now!

70 years old - I continue to parent myself as part of my healing journey each time things show up from my lost childhood. I can let go.

Progress Not Perfection

    Progress not perfection. I hear this phrase in so many places where people are trying to encourage others. What if instead of avoiding the word perfection, we changed how we thought about it? 

    I already wrote an article on Feb 26, 2025 where I talked about the word perfect. Rather than being a focus on what we are doing wrong, it could be a process with the choices we make being how we traverse our journey. It doesn't have to be us getting to some unachievable perfect goal but could instead be the road we are traveling, with the mistakes, foibles, wins and trips all being the learning part of that path. 

    How much do we need to learn? That is up to us. It really is! Someone else may have learned something that they think will benefit us, help us have less pain or dramatically change us internally. Maybe we have already learned those lessons, just not in the same way. Maybe our path looked or looks now WAY different than theirs but we got to some of the same conclusions anyway. Maybe we didn't. Maybe we never will.

    Perfection is our own process. There is perfection in learning the "perfect" process for ourselves and recognizing that  our own journey may get us farther than anyone else's ideas. 

And THAT perfection, my friends, is the best result we can achieve.

Overcoming (A Story)

 Damalia looked around the corner. "No one is coming." she hushed the words to those behind her. They were all hunched over as if that would keep them from being seen by those...things.

No one said a word as they snuck across the empty alleyway and into a door on the other side. Once inside they felt a bit more comfortable and stood up straight. Still no one spoke but the outward sighs of relief were tangible.

"You're safe here." came a voice from behind a shelf in the far dark corner. A significant gasp escaped from everyone in the group. "Please stay quiet, but you are safe here." The hushed words were coming from the shadows. Demalia spoke her quiet words first. "Who are you? I'm glad to hear we are safe here but, who are you?"

"I'm Fredrick. Fred for short." He sounded a bit tired but not like he might be one of them. Damalia began walking toward him and..."Let's stay separate for now...if you don't mind. One can never be too sure." Damalia stopped in her tracks and said, "Fair enough. What is this place anyway?"

"It's an old papermill. It's been empty since the mid 2000s." Fred sounded a bit sad but added. "I owned it when I was...well, a long time ago. I was hoping to bring back paper books but didn't get the chance before everything went to hell! It started out really well and I had a loyal following for at least three years. Business was growing so fast I wasn't sure I would be able to keep up."

"What happened?" asked one of the others. Raymond, who was only fifteen, had heard of Fredrick's books but couldn't continue learning about them because the plague had swept over the world, taking curiosity and dreams away from everyone. "There was too many in governments against my work. Too many wanting to keep people under their control through their devices. It took them three years because, well, I didn't use devices. They couldn't control me."

"I wanted to learn about them but never got the chance to fully understand before..." Raymond's sad and forlorn voice trailed off as he thought back to the memory of being free to choose what he wanted to read. "You really didn't have freedom to choose what you read." said Fredrick. Raymond was a bit taken aback at the idea that Fredrick seemed to know what he was thinking.

"Whatever you read was dictated to you by others who controlled the tablets you read on. They tracked your eye movements, noticed where you stopped and what you looked up. They even suggested what you read next depending on what you pulled up. What you didn't see was the subliminal messaging behind what you read on your screen."

The room was even more silent than before. Damalia asked, "What do you mean?" "Mom," piped in Tarsy, a fiery thirteen year old and Raymond's sister. "he's saying there weren't only words on those tablets we were reading." She turned her head in the direction of Fredrick and said, "Is that right?" "Yes, I'm surprised you knew." "I didn't, but after listening to Raymond preach for weeks about it, I connected the dots after hearing what you just said." "You have a wise daughter there." Fredrick said to Damalia. He shifted himself but the group still couldn't see him clearly.

"Is that why you are in here, in your shop?" added Raymond. "I am here because I didn't know where else to go. This building has been in my family for decades and has been pretty hidden for all that time. It is my safe place."

Helen, the only five year old in the group said, "Why won't you come out?" 

"I don't want to scare you. I am just a little sick and don't want to infect you." "Are you one of them?" Damalia's comment was trifold. Fredrick could feel her confusion, apprehension and tell her fear was under control. "If I was, wouldn't I have already attacked you?" "Fair enough," responded Raymond, but your teachings, at least the ones I was able to get ahold of, talked about strength of character and intention. I didn't get much but...could you have found a way to overcome the plague?"

Fredrick let out a guttural laugh and then said, "Yes my friend. I was about to show how it is possible to overcome almost anything by simply..." he hesitated. "I don't really think I should get into that here...and now." "Can I come alone to see you?” asked Raymond, “I'm not afraid." Damalia reached her hand for Raymond's arm and then pulled it back. Fredrick could tell Raymond was serious and he contemplated it for a small second before he said, "I don't think that is a good idea. You look like you are needed in your small group there."

Raymond's disappointment was palpable but Fredrick could tell it was being managed by a strength he hadn't seen in a long time. "Alright, but only you and not too close." The room was thick with anticipation as Raymond walked slowly over to the shelves behind where Fredrick had been hiding. As Fredrick came into Raymond's view, he couldn't help but let out a small, almost imperceivable gasp. "You..your.."

 Raymond had stopped about ten feet away. He took a moment to process how he felt and then went a little closer. "You're not fully transformed! How is that possible?"

"It is a long story my friend. One that I'm willing to share but only if you are ALL willing and ready to hear it." Raymond turned around and every one of the four people in the group slowly nodded their slightly frightened faces. "Where would we go? It's not safe out there." suggested Raymond.

"Alright, sit down over there and I will speak from here."

Waiting With Wings

 If we choose to do something big...I mean really big, it will be fraught with stress levels akin to the bigness of said thing. At least it will run along side the level of stress we feel about doing that thing.

We are creatures of habit so we tend to stick to familiar activities. Choosing something big is usually us doing something we have never done before, maybe never attempted. This unfamiliar activity will take all our will power and dedication as we run across all the reasons why we should never have started down this path to begin with. If things begin to not go well, that will add a whole other level of anxiety to the mix.

So, let's say we continue on despite the "in our face" blaring reasons to give up this big adventure. More reasons will pop up as to why we should give up, throw in the towel or consider ourselves idiots for even trying at all. This is where we have choices to make. We get to contemplate...

What was the reason I started this particular project?

    a. Is that reason still valid or did circumstances change that make this project mute?

    b. If this project is still valid, have I lost motivation for doing it? and if so, is it something I should keep working on despite my lack of motivation?

    c. If we decide this is something we need to re-motivate ourselves to complete, how will that look? (ie. working on it in small increments each day, finding some fun way to do it, or maybe asking someone else to help us stay accountable).

Depending on how we answer these questions, and any others that we think of while contemplating our situation, our big something can slowly become manageable and maybe even completed. Doing big things are better done with intention and planning...but not always too much planning so we can also leave room for spontaneity as it shows up.

Wings need freedom to fly, after all.

Self-serving or Sefishness?

 I was talking with a friend the other day and we were discussing ways to serve.

"But we are required to help others." she was saying, "We literally are dependent on living with and dedicating our lives to them." Of course she was talking about her children, but I want to point out another way to look at it. "Yes, we need to take care of our children while also teaching them to become independent and self-serving." I responded. 

She retorted, "I teach my kids to serve others as a way to not be self-serving." It was apparent to me that she was getting quite annoyed with how I was using the word self-serving. "You are correct that kids should learn to serve others. They also need to be allowed to serve themselves and childhood is the best time to learn this important need in tandem with learning to not be selfish. It's a subtle difference and it is our jobs as parents to help them recognize that distinct difference." "I don't understand." Her ire began to dissipate as we continued. 

"I'm not saying they should be selfish. The self-serving I am talking about is like putting the mask on yourself in an airplane before putting one on your child. We cannot serve others if we are bereft of what we need to do the serving (ie. oxygen). You teach your kids to serve others because it is needful to get along in society. You, serving your kids, is also how they get their needs met before they are able to recognize and fulfill their own needs, like tying their shoes before they learn to do it themselves. The term self-serving has gotten a bad rap but it is needful to function as a society."

"So you're saying," she began pondering out loud, "allowing my kids to find what serves them can help them become better able to serve others?" She wasn't sure about this quite yet. "It can," I said, "if you as their parent guide them to see what they are learning about themselves as beneficial. As they gain confidence in their interests, these interests can become talents that lead them to jobs they love doing, and in turn becomes a service for others. It's a win win."

After this conversation, I thought about all the variables that go along with learning to create a job that is not only enjoyable but useful. Suffice it to say that each of us seeking this path will decide how exactly we move our life in that direction. We first need to decide what serves us so we can become ultimately confident to serve others. It's a process that can take years.

Unselfish self-serving is needful for our continued growth, and as humans we are always growing. Selfishness takes others out of our living day-to-day equations and that is a very lonely path indeed.

Perfect slant

 I've gotten so much flack for using the word perfect in many situations. Let me walk you through my path for why I started using the word perfect for most things. It started with comments I heard people expressing for most of my life. 

"Things happen the way they are meant to happen." "Everything happens for a reason."  "No one is perfect." "Perfect is the enemy of good."

(Note: I have studied the bible and have read that Christ said some things about being perfect. Since it was part of my reason for searching for understanding of this word perfect, I am including it here.)

I've read in scripture that Christ said to "be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." If we are unable to be perfect, why would an all knowing being ask such a thing of us mere humans?

This led me to pondering how I personally felt about the word and continued with me thinking to myself...I feel the word perfect is relative to our past experience with it. I mean, the word has the potential to push one to great feats or to crush one's biggest dreams. It all depends on how you view its meaning. 

This thought process had me turning to the earthly definition of the word. Here is what I found: From the online Cambridge dictionary I got: "Complete and correct in every way; in the best possible type or without fault." That sounded pretty daunting. It makes the comment, "No one is perfect." understandably true. Even on our best days, most of us have a multiplicity of faults.

I continued, okay, what about the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary? "Being entirely without fault or defect." Once again this sounded highly unachievable for those of us that are human.

Next I tried the online Cambridge Dictionary..."Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be." This seemed more achievable and not impossibly out of reach. But, there was one more...

The first position for the definition of the word perfect, according to Dictionary.com, was "matching in every detail the definition of an ideal type of something." Ok, I thought, so striving to be perfect is becoming the ideal or doing something in an ideal way. Learning is the ideal way, as far as I see it so...

...being perfect doesn't have to mean something so unachievable that we should give up before we attempt it. Perfect can mean a combination of these last two definitions culminating in encompassing the first two definitions. With the correct elements, qualities and/or characteristics (and all of these can be achieved with time, effort and dedication), we can match in every detail the ideal we are striving for. The process is the perfect way to learn.

Also, one thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that, because we change as we grow, our ideal changes as well as our desires for those ideals. I'm not talking settling for less, I'm talking finding clarity in what we want, dream and hope for. 

Perfect isn't impossible, it is the journey!