Self-serving or Sefishness?

 I was talking with a friend the other day and we were discussing ways to serve.

"But we are required to help others." she was saying, "We literally are dependent on living with and dedicating our lives to them." Of course she was talking about her children, but I want to point out another way to look at it. "Yes, we need to take care of our children while also teaching them to become independent and self-serving." I responded. 

She retorted, "I teach my kids to serve others as a way to not be self-serving." It was apparent to me that she was getting quite annoyed with how I was using the word self-serving. "You are correct that kids should learn to serve others. They also need to be allowed to serve themselves and childhood is the best time to learn this important need in tandem with learning to not be selfish. It's a subtle difference and it is our jobs as parents to help them recognize that distinct difference." "I don't understand." Her ire began to dissipate as we continued. 

"I'm not saying they should be selfish. The self-serving I am talking about is like putting the mask on yourself in an airplane before putting one on your child. We cannot serve others if we are bereft of what we need to do the serving (ie. oxygen). You teach your kids to serve others because it is needful to get along in society. You, serving your kids, is also how they get their needs met before they are able to recognize and fulfill their own needs, like tying their shoes before they learn to do it themselves. The term self-serving has gotten a bad rap but it is needful to function as a society."

"So you're saying," she began pondering out loud, "allowing my kids to find what serves them can help them become better able to serve others?" She wasn't sure about this quite yet. "It can," I said, "if you as their parent guide them to see what they are learning about themselves as beneficial. As they gain confidence in their interests, these interests can become talents that lead them to jobs they love doing, and in turn becomes a service for others. It's a win win."

After this conversation, I thought about all the variables that go along with learning to create a job that is not only enjoyable but useful. Suffice it to say that each of us seeking this path will decide how exactly we move our life in that direction. We first need to decide what serves us so we can become ultimately confident to serve others. It's a process that can take years.

Unselfish self-serving is needful for our continued growth, and as humans we are always growing. Selfishness takes others out of our living day-to-day equations and that is a very lonely path indeed.