My own life experience using “The Train Analogy That Will Completely Change How You See Your Stressed Out Parent”

This “Train Analogy” Will Completely Change How You See Your Stressed Out Parent

 

Written Jan 20, 2019 using an article written by Katie back in 2017(https://pickanytwo.net/the-train-analogy-that-will-change-how-you-see-your-crying-child/) as a jumping off point.

    My seventy-seven-year-old mother called me the other day to ask why I hadn’t reached out to find out how she was after she’d broken her shoulder. It didn’t matter that I had gotten a lengthy call from her husband, my stepfather, the day before telling me the details and that she would be fine. She wanted me to call her and “fawn” over her. That’s what she said: “fawn over her,” and tell her how sorry I felt for her. Generally, she wanted me to be stuck with her in her wallowing. 

    This whole concept didn’t sit well with me. I never want to be in a place, ever again, where I am dependent on another for my confidence or ok-ness. I’ve worked diligently for many years to get out of that particular life-sucking, black hole. I can no longer stand being in a place of wallowing in my own self pity, so it was difficult to listen while my mother berated me for not joining her in her stuck place of choice she had taught me from infancy. 

    Growing up, she often told me that I was the parent more than she, so as a child, I took that role on and ultimately resented it. I lost my childhood because she didn’t want to be "the" parent. I’m not alone in this. There are many people who don’t take on the parental role for their kids. 

It was later that I came across a paper written about the Train Analogy.

The Life-Changing Train Analogy 

The analogy was nothing new; it was something most of us have heard in the form of an overused cliche. Truthfully, I’d always struggled to apply it to my own rush of emotions, but here, with my mother trying to get me to be stuck with her, it seemed like the only reasonable response.

The analogy goes like this:

Difficult feelings are tunnels, and we are trains traveling through them. 

We have to move all the way through the darkness to get to the—you can do this—calm, peaceful light at the end of the tunnel.

It sounds simple, but it’s way easier said than done.

Where Well-Meaning Children of Stuck Parents Go Wrong

The problem is that well-meaning children and caregivers often attempt to intercept our parents on their journey through an emotional tunnel.

For example, watching my mom wrestle with her anger and sadness and fear at my lack of enabling, it was too easy to say something like;

“Your body has amazing abilities to heal most things if given half a chance."

“You have Papa to take care of you. Since he is a doctor, you’re in good hands.”

“Papa already told me you’d be fine.”

I wish I’d read the article before this event!

There are two ways this could have gone: 

1. I could have mentioned that she is a big girl, and she could have suddenly realized that she could get through this but just didn’t know how. She could ask if I could help since I’d been through something similar, a year before with my double hip surgery. Yeah, right. Dream on, Lisa. 
   
2. She could have seen me as unsupportive and unfair. How could I not “see her needs”? This scenario is more likely. In fact, number two is what I’ve been dealing with for many years as I’ve left this particular tunnel behind long ago. 
   

    My mother’s emotional journey is one in which she has not only gotten stuck in the tunnel but has come to love it so much she put down roots and gets her mail there. She has lived there for so many years she is unlikely to leave no matter how painful it gets. 

    My only role as a loving child is to sit with her, listen to her, and love her where she has chosen to be. She got stuck there long before I was born. This will never be my fault. I learned something when I tried the same stunt on my kids: instead of getting stuck with me, they chose to leave. It was the best thing they could have done for both them and me. 

    My love for my family overcame my “need” to get others to wallow with me. I learned to stand up for myself. . .I am still learning to do that.

This analogy can work with a friend as well.

Remember Your Job

    So the next time a stuck parent (or friend) is deeply frustrated, angry, or upset, remember what the job of a child/friend really is.

The job of a child/friend is to:

• Provide comfort through the frustration.
  
• Draw out our parent’s/friend’s cleansing tears.
  
• Show empathy to our parent’s/friend’s struggle.
  
• Allow the life lesson to be learned naturally—not through preaching.
  
• Support our parent’s/friend’s journey through the emotional tunnel.
  
• Help our parent/friend realize that the tunnel does NOT make a good home.
  

    The job of a child/friend is NOT to get our parent/friend to stop being upset as quickly as possible. Tears are a sign of success, not failure. So rub your parent’s/friend’s back. Sit with them in silence. Stay alongside them as they chug chug chug through their tunnels of feelings. And be with them when they finally reach the calm, peaceful light at the end.